A weekly recap of the best stories that never ever happened, but shoulda.
1. Baby Decoy Wanted for Will and Kate
San Tang/AP
With the birth of Britain’s Prince George Alexander Louis William Chuck E. Cheese, William and Kate must now concern themselves with the safety of the third in line to the throne. To wit, they have placed an advertisement in the local London newspapers, anonymously of course, for a baby decoy. Much like a duck decoy, the sole purpose of the decoy is to prevent paparazzi from stalking and photographing the real baby until he assumes Britain’s highest honor: Beer Chugging Contest winner at the Tan Hill Inn (highest pub in England). Prince Harry is the appointed trainer.
2. Oscar Mayer to sue Andrew Weiner over naming rights
bbemuseum
Mayoral candidate for New York City, Andrew Weiner has pissed off the largest manufacturer of weiners, namely the Kraft Company, maker of the fabulously famous Oscar Mayer Weiner. Sources close to the company say that the embattled Weiner has trampled over their brand’s good name and caused undue harm to a beloved product, and iconic jingle.
Oscar Mayer Weiner Commercial from 1955.
The company has taken to social media to best itself from the “other” Weiner by posting images of their two pound package – of real weiners.
The “other” Weiner immediately tweeted a grainy music video titled: “That is What I’d Truly Love to Be-ee-ee”.
3. Million Dollar Mix-Up
Will the real Kevin Lewis please stand up. That’s what a casino in Ohio didn’t say when announcing a million dollar prize winner. The “wrong” winner came forward and when officials realized the error, awarded both Kevins a million bucks. Pretty cool. Should it come to anyone’s surprise that the casino had an extra million bucks to give away that day?
Later Kevin #1 took his fat check and went to town to buy his wife a nice dinner. He put a quarter in a local parking meter only to realize that two quarters were required for a 30 minute stay, which he did not have in his pocket. A passerby advised the millionaire to park elsewhere. A million dollars doesn’t buy what it used to.
4. Simon Cowell’s witch prediction
The news that Simon Cowell has fathered a child with the wife of a friend has drawn criticisms from previous X Factor contestants, all victims of Cowell’s mean-spirited critiques of their auditions.
One contestant, who is a practicing witch in real life, said she predicts the child will speak to him on day one. It will be the same words Cowell spoke to a contestant: “I won’t remember you in 15 minutes”.
5. A-Rod Booed at Fenway Park
Actually this did happen last weekend during the three game series between the Red Sox and Yankees. Every time the Yankees slugger got to bat the Fenway faithfully booed, along with A-Rod’s teammates and the state of New York. During the third game of the series, Red Sox pitcher Ryan Dempster drilled A-Rod twice to the cheers of the crowd and baseball fans everywhere. This insures Dempster will not ever pay for a beer as long as he plays baseball in Boston, or anywhere in the universe.
