Image credit: Mike Licht via Compfight — Now that the election is over many folks are suffering from campaign withdrawal, and this is especially true of all the losers including the Twinkie eating population, referring to the snack cake, not the (alleged) mistresses of four star generals.
The void of negative commercials and robo-calls has immediately been filled with advertisements for male enhancement performance issues (drugs, not generals) and dead phone silence. As I await a call inviting me to a swanky Miami “fun-raising” party of the rich, famous and botoxed, the Hostess Corporation is threatening to throw its company into bankruptcy thereby ending the longest shelf-life product known to man. I for one am outraged by all this Ding Dong behavior.
But what of the former candidates? The winners get to carry on the usual business of defending ménage a trois escapades of the married and highly decorated, and also ensuring that we all receive health care benefits to combat arterial sclerosis from a lifetime of consuming artificially enhanced sweets. This may be a pre-existing condition. Check with your health insurance company for exclusions quickly before you lose your benefits. If you are out of luck, the newly re-elected President will be robo-calling to offer gift samples of his latest craft beer, Screw You Red State Brew.
Voters aren’t the only folks suffering from post-traumatic election disorder. Losing political candidates often show symptoms of borderline schizophrenia. According to actual scientific documents, persons suffering from this disease exhibit delusions, hallucinations and disorganization of speech and behavior.
In the days after conceding the presidential race, Gov. Mitt Romney stated that he is “shell-shocked” by the electoral defeat and has been seen wandering the aisles of Wal-Mart performing card tricks for non-white women of child-bearing age, yelling: “It’s the King of Diamonds! Check the facts, 47ers!” We did. A six-pack might give a teetotaler a bad case of the flying purple elephants, but throwing back a few cold ones with a sleeve of Ring Dings will minimize the sad effects of post-election blues.
For those suffering the withdrawal of this past election, have no fear. In a few weeks the political dust will settle and the cycle will start again. The American people will once again face an onslaught of negative television ads featuring former Hostess bakers and relentless dinnertime phone interruptions from strangers wanting to go for a jog and write your biography.
The first party to present a fresh faced candidate holding a well-crafted beer in one hand and a Twinkie in the other gets my vote. Hey, the phone is ringing!
