There is too much “fiscal cliff” chatter interrupting my evening channel surfing. Between Ancient Aliens and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, I’m entertained by watching well-dressed really smart news people weigh in on what will happen if we go over the cliff.
From my simple understanding, former President George W. Bush created a special piece of paper (Budget Control Act of 2011) which gave rich people the right to suck the life out of the poor people. While the poor people were refinancing their homes with shoddy Aliens disguised as lenders, the rich people racked up frequent flyer miles visiting their off-shore bank accounts.
The time limit on the paper expires on December 31st, exactly ten days after the world will end, according to the Mayan Long-Count Calendar. This apocalypse virtually guarantees that all middle class Americans will default on their mortgages in January.
Average beer drinkers define “cliff”
A recent independent poll of six other unemployed bar patrons unanimously agreed that “falling off the cliff” has something to do with going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. The likelihood that the steel barrel once used by the infamous Bobby Leach who plunged over the Falls in 1911, is the same one used to store the President’s brew remains unclear. Bobby broke both kneecaps and his jaw during his daring event. Years later, while lecturing in New Zealand, he slipped on an orange peel and died from complications due to gangrene. Washington, take note.
Given the opportunity, the gentleman tapping the keg would like to ask Congress a few important questions regarding “falling over the cliff”:
- So, where is this cliff?
- Will my health insurance cover the deductible if we fall over the cliff?
- Will a Victoria’s Secret model catch us when we fall over the cliff? (This question only applies to the men and renders the whole cliff falling thing a moot point).
- Finally, can all the people who stood in line to vote in this past election get back in line and start throwing senators and representatives and reality TV stars off the cliff, over and over? (Note: If $1 per toss is charged we could reduce the federal deficit by a lot of money and deport Aliens back to CitiGroup. Where do I sign up?)
Honey Boo Boo for Congress?
Most likely “falling off the cliff” won’t hurt for very long. The Mayans will simply reset their rock calendar back another 5,125.36 years and the Aliens will continue to write really tiny print on lending forms. The poor people can look forward to having huge deductions taken from their paychecks which will last until the next apocalypse or Boo Boo grows up and gets elected to Congress.
Let’s propose a simple resolution to solving the debate between Republicans and Democrats. Forget compromising. Despite all the smiles and handshakes, it doesn’t work in Washington. Americans like sporting competitions. We want a winner and a loser. Here’s the set-up: Each party picks their best leader to be the captain. The captain selects four team members. Using taxpayer money, each team builds an “over the cliff” worthy mode of transportation. On December 31st both teams will meet at the top of Niagara Falls.
A good game show host is key to the ratings
We suspect the Republicans will build a raft from Popsicle sticks and the Democrats a Noah-worthy Ark. Then, Howie Mandel will ask each team to put their craft in the water. The twist: Each team will go over the cliff in the opposing team’s craft. Deal, or No Deal?
The team with the most surviving members gets to implement their plan. Imagine this as a pay-per-view event. Advertisers will line up to sponsor the RIFF FROM THE CLIFF. We may not all be happy with the final results, but it will be entertaining and just might raise enough money to buy everyone a White House beer. Orange you glad I didn’t say Alien?
Stephanie Dell is a humorist who writes an unfair and unbalanced blog on social living experiences and why a dog and a beer are essential for a happier life. She’s fond of a great cup of coffee, too.
President’s Honey Porter and Honey Ale Recipes
