Except for the day when my down-on-his-luck friend, who owes me $20 from 1988, finally wins the lottery, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. In my house there is not a single Christmas decoration in sight, nor sales flyers piled up with combat plans in anticipation of mall shopping at midnight. This is strictly an eating festival of tryptophan-filled proportions. And for people like me who love to cook and set a Martha Stewart-worthy tablescape, this is our equivalent to Super Bowl where the half-time show features over-weight relatives unbuckling pants in anticipation of the dessert buffet.
The outside temperature may be a tad chilly now but you’ve created a warm and cheery atmosphere inside, that is, until they arrive.
You know who they are; you may be one of them. I have been one of them. Guests you have graciously invited into your home who, through no fault of their own, will ruin the fruits of your menu planning, house cleaning and culinary labor. In no particular order, here are some dinner guests you may wish to exclude this year:
- The Wine Snob condemns your 2/$12 vintage. The hostess is well within her rights to “stick a cork in it”. You may hear applause.
- The Vegetarian is easy to spot as they declare at least 83 times during the meal that they are, in fact, a vegetarian.
- The Vegan should be seated next to the vegetarian to incite a food fight using things they will eat, like wooden salad bowls.
- The Historian professes Pilgrims ate fish and wildfowl, drank beer (really), never celebrated on Thursday, and because of that they were first in line at Kmart for Black Friday.
- The Drunk will chug a case of beer, a few bottles of wine and the vanilla extract in your baking cabinet as it all pairs well with the fruit stamped on the tablecloth.
- The Pretty Girl arrives impeccably dressed, coifed and manicured excusing her from washing dishes. Often she is a close relative to your brother. Seat her between the flinging veggie lovers.
- The Religious Fanatic goes beyond the obligatory giving thanks and starts washing feet; the pedicured Pretty Girl cries for undocumented Vietnamese salon owners everywhere.
- The Do-Gooder wants all of your leftovers for the homeless and downtrodden, namely that lazy, no good, couch potato who wouldn’t get out of his sweatpants and walk around the block. Mom, next time order Uncle Biff a pizza, will ya?
- The Toilet Clogger is proof that every home should have an outhouse reserved for guests.
- The Long Distance Driver has eaten the apple and pecan pies in the car while waiting in traffic and visiting rest stops. Sorry kids. Go sit in the car, close your eyes, and pretend this apple and crackers is a pie. Disappointment after a long ride is good practice for when you host Thanksgiving someday.
- The Cranky Kid belongs to somebody else making you long for the days when paregoric could be bought at the corner store for two bucks.
- The Politician starts discussing the Presidential election during the appetizers course, and by the time apples and crackers are served many guests have defected to Canada.
- The Gelatin Mold Bearer believes there is always room for a multi-color layered dessert that wiggles. No. No there is not.
- The Martyr Matron hosted a million of these damn dinners that were ten times more difficult in the days when potatoes were sown in the spring, carried across the woodlands in the fall and cooked up in a ten ton iron cast pot over an open flame…Mom, sit down and wipe the crumbs off your hairy chin. It’s almost time to take you back to the home.
- The Tupperware guest arrives prepared with a trunk full of empty containers to haul away enough leftovers to choke a landfill. Burp me.
- The Phantom Guest is the stranger without family who accepts your open invitation to share a hot meal and who tells the most colorful prison stories.
But don’t you love Thanksgiving with all the colorful trimmings, and the food is usually good too. Have your guests help do the dishes and please check their lottery tickets before handing out doggie bags. When your guests depart grab a spot on the couch to watch football, pop open that hidden beer and start planning who not to invite next year.
P.S. None of my actual family or friends or strangers were used in the making of this article. Even you, Uncle Biff.
Admittedly there are other “guests” who did not make this list. Who are your favorite holiday guests? Appreciate your reply.
